Reading Film and Video Makers

TEN THINGS YOU NEED TO BE A FILM DIRECTOR
By Andy Jones

1. A beard - all great filmmakers have beards - Steven Spielberg, George Lucas, Francis Ford Coppola etc. etc. Note, this isn't sexist; women can have fine beards too. Don't worry if you can't grow a beard, you can always borrow one from a responsible adult
2. A stupid name - Scorcese, Tarantino, Zefirelli. You don't hear of anyone making films called Smith, so change your name to something daft. How to come up with that perfect moniker? Try hitting a keyboard and seeing what it spells. If it looks really strange you are obviously a foreign filmmaker - well done! Alternatively try adding -berg to your name e.g. Steven Spielberg, David Cronenberg for that 'directory' touch.
3. A baseball cap - Directors always wear baseball caps. If its a cold shoot they have a cap on to keep warm, if its a hot sunny shoot they have a cap on to keep cool - presumably this is to keep their brains in optimum condition. Caps can also double up as advertising space for your latest feature or as an alternative revenue stream. Man to take tips from - Spike Lee, he's made a career out of the baseball cap.
4. A press photo of yourself behind a camera pointing - This is directing: pointing - presumably just after saying something like "Try shooting that bad guy over there Arnie" or "Blow up that building Sly".
5. A quirk - so people can remember who you are in interviews e.g. Tarantino - 'speak-very-fast' quirk, Scorcese - eyebrows quirk, Tim Burton - quirk of nature.
6. Friends - no, not your ordinary pals, or even the US comedy six pack, but real life celebrity mates. Be seen hanging out with Eric Stoltz, throw a barbie and invite Winona and Brad over. Yeah as if! Alternatively find a couple of look-alikes/cardboard cutouts, get a photo done and casually leave the pictures around your abode/send them to film magazines. An even easier method (although not recommended) is to shoot the breeze with Charlie Sheen, Sean Young and other has-beens.
7. A guess spot directing for TV - Spike Lee's done it (Red Stripe commercials), Quentin Tarantino's done it (ER) even David Cronenberg's done it (Nike).
8. Director's Chair - Umm...one of those chairs, y'know the director fold out ones that are made out of wood and canvas with DIRECTOR on the back. Don't make the mistake of using a deck chair instead. Sure its similar, but it just won't do. If you're ever on a film set for a laugh try sitting in the Director's chair. A wannabe filmmaker friend of mine did this and he directed half of Batman and Robin before anybody realised.
9. A megaphone - Okay, so close your eyes and try and imagine a filmmaker and you've probably put one of these in their hands.
10. A famous film - You can go one of two ways; you can either have Hollywood's cheapest film...
    "Hi I'm Edward Burns, I've just made 'The Brothers McMullen for $25, 000",
    "Yeah? well go swing Mr. Burns. I'm Robert Rodriguez and I've just made 'El Mariachi' for $7,500",
    "Is that so Robert? I've just made a coming of age/romantic-comedy/sci-fi epic for £7.50!"
    …Or you can make Hollywood's most expensive film…
    "Hi I'm Jim Cameron and I've just spent more money than any other person in history on my latest film - 'True Lies'"
    "As if, Mr. C. I've just made 'Waterworld' and spent more money than most small country's have and I didn't even have to pay for Schwarznegger."

Got all of the above? Congratulations, you are now a Film Director!

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